Certainly, similar fears can be found in vanilla couples, but in the world of BDSM, these fears are often much more intense for submissives, which is why I feel it’s important to address them. Any fear a submissive experiences can not only ruin a session but also severely damage the trust built between partners, which can lead to a cascade of problems. Some fears are easily overcome, while others go unnoticed or are not even recognized by the submissive themselves.
Fear of Encountering a Malicious Maniac Instead of a Benevolent Sadist
This fear is common, especially among those attending a session for the first time. It’s crucial to never accept dubious invitations and always remember basic safety practices. If you’re uncertain about a potential partner, research them thoroughly—search for their online presence, verify their contact details, and ask for references. The fear of meeting a true maniac is real, but there’s also the risk of encountering someone who is only interested in using you for personal gain or even humiliating you. This fear is particularly prominent among submissives lacking self-confidence who might struggle to assert themselves from the beginning.
Fear of Losing the Dominant
This fear isn’t just about losing a lover or partner—it’s much deeper. The bond formed with a Dominant tends to be much quicker and stronger than with a vanilla partner. This can make the potential loss of that connection devastating. Additionally, finding a genuinely compatible Dominant is no easy task. Good, experienced Tops are rare, and it’s often harder to find them than to find a submissive. For many, this fear is rooted in the worry that if the connection ends, they won’t find someone else who is just as suited to their needs.
Fear of Becoming an Object
A common concern among new submissives is the fear of being reduced to an object by their Dominant—being seen as nothing more than a plaything without personal worth. While this fear is largely unfounded, as most Dominants invest a great deal of emotion and care into their submissives, it can still be a concern. Breakups and relationship shifts do happen, but a well-balanced D/s relationship should never make a submissive feel like they are merely an object with no intrinsic value.
Fear of Craving More
After a few successful sessions, many submissives begin to crave a deeper relationship with their Dominant, and the fear of being rejected for wanting more can be overwhelming. Unlike in vanilla relationships, where one partner might not be able to meet all emotional needs, the dynamics in BDSM relationships—especially in Power Exchange—demand absolute trust. If a submissive feels that their desires or expectations are not aligned with the Dominant’s, it can become a source of anxiety. In such cases, it’s crucial for both parties to be honest about their needs and limitations.
Fear of Not Meeting the Dominant’s Desires
Submissives may fear doing something wrong, looking ridiculous, or angering their Dominant. This fear often stems from the desire to please and the pressure to meet expectations. However, a skilled Dominant will never let their submissive feel terrified of making mistakes. Such fear is detrimental and can completely derail a session, as trust and mutual respect are the foundation of a healthy BDSM dynamic.
Fear of Losing Their Place in Society
In D/s or L/s relationships, submissives may fear that their involvement in BDSM will lead to a loss of their social standing or relationships with friends and family. This fear is common, but it’s important to address it directly. A submissive must either be comfortable with the idea that their connections outside of the BDSM world are not all-encompassing, or they need to establish boundaries that allow them to separate their private life from their public life without it affecting their BDSM involvement.
Ultimately, all these fears—like many others—can be alleviated with the genuine care, patience, and attention of the Dominant. It’s about building trust, setting clear expectations, and maintaining open communication so that both parties feel respected and secure in their roles.
