Love doesn’t come easily. Many understand this, but few are willing to work hard to finally love sincerely and deeply. It has long been noted that true feelings develop over time, requiring numerous trials and wisdom to cultivate love. Let’s break it down step by step.
- Infatuation.
The very first stage lasts about a year to a year and a half. People see their partner in the most attractive and unrealistic light. Beautiful looks, good character, attention, and kisses—it’s an ideal. This period of infatuation inspires countless poems and novels, and movies and songs celebrate its charm. Skeptical scientists refer to this phase as the “chemistry of love,” observing how hormones, endorphins, and oxytocin dominate the brains and bodies of the enamored. The centers of negative emotions and rational thought are effectively blocked by these powerful elements, resulting in euphoria and elation with every encounter. Infatuation typically ends with marriage or the start of a shared life. - Saturation.
When people begin living together or spending a lot of time together, the fervor cools down, and the beloved becomes something familiar, even mundane. The lovers become tired of each other. Everyday life takes its toll, and this saturation phase often passes almost unnoticed; it’s usually brief and rarely recognized by the couple. At this stage, the partner’s flaws become apparent—not because they were previously hidden, but because the brain starts functioning normally again. This period can stretch on and swap places with renewed infatuation if children are born during the transition from infatuation to saturation. - Disgust.
The third stage tests the future of love. The rose-colored glasses come off, and egoism blooms. Infatuation is behind, and saturation has set in. During this time, attention is drawn to the partner’s flaws, which turn out to be plentiful. Virtues fade into the background, while once-endearing quirks become infuriating. Unfortunately, without this third stage, the path to sincere, deep feelings is blocked. For some, disgust lasts weeks or months; for others, it lingers for years or alternates with other stages. Arguments and heated discussions occur, with each partner showing their worst side, viewing the other only as a bundle of negativity and flaws. It may seem that the partner is not the right one. Many people conclude at this stage that they are too different to stay together and decide to part ways. Divorce during the period of disgust often leads to a cyclical pattern, where individuals remarry, fall in love again, experience saturation, and encounter disgust anew. Some find themselves trapped in a cycle of divorce, where each subsequent marriage breaks down again due to everyday life, flaws, and egoism. - Acceptance.
The storms settle down. Arguments become less frequent. It becomes clear that one cannot shape their partner into their ideal. There’s a realization that one lives with an individual who has both flaws and virtues. During this time, active adjustments to one another take place. Self-help books, discussions with psychologists, and long, often difficult conversations between partners begin to resemble negotiations rather than battlegrounds. This stage serves as a preparation for love. Each partner learns that the starting point is within themselves: learning to forgive, understand, accept, and tolerate. In many cultures and religions, acceptance is primarily the domain of women, who are naturally more adaptable. By setting an example, women encourage men to accept them too. - Service.
In the previous stages, good deeds were often tied to expectations of reciprocation. Both partners, in doing something nice for each other, consciously or unconsciously awaited a return gesture. During the service stage, pleasant acts are done simply for the joy of it, because the person is dear to them, and their soul is ready for such generosity. Service happens consciously and voluntarily, bringing pleasure to both spouses. If one partner lingers in the previous stage, the other can hasten the process through their behavior. Selfless service is the first budding of love. - Friendship.
At this stage, respect and understanding begin to flourish. The couple has been through a lot together. They know each other’s characters and habits well and can navigate difficult situations without conflict. Both have learned to do kind and necessary things for one another. They enjoy each other’s company and find it interesting. This stage of friendship can last for years or even decades, as spouses feel quite comfortable together. Friendship often flourishes when children are a bit older and parents have more time for each other. Childless couples typically arrive at friendship around the same time. - Love.
The long-awaited deep feeling comes deservedly and inevitably. A profound understanding and spiritual unity—that is love. Few couples reach this stage. First, one must learn to accept their partner as they are, to care for them selflessly, and to embrace their individuality. The stage of love transcends mere attraction or habit; in love, spouses blossom and harmoniously complement each other. Their flaws are gently smoothed out, while their virtues reflect in one another. The hormonal rush subsides, replaced by a calm and joyful acceptance of the whole person, a sense of completeness.
Some readers may have encountered elderly couples who enjoy each other’s company, captivated in conversation, smiling, their faces radiating serene wisdom and happiness. It’s essential to remember that these people did not live in perfect harmony from day one; they nurtured their love through periods of resentment and cooling.
Psychologists suggest that a couple needs a minimum of 7 to 10 years to reach a stage of friendship and respect, which will gradually give way to genuine love. We wish readers the opportunity to experience such feelings.