One golden rule I follow is this: I don’t tolerate self-deprecation, whether in myself or others. It’s important to differentiate between bad days—which we all have—and habitual disrespect for oneself. When someone continuously puts themselves down, it undermines not only their self-worth but also the social expectations and trust of those around them, including their Dominants and partners.
In BDSM, respect is a two-way street. While Dominants often take the lead in providing structure and guidance, submissives should be supported in cultivating their own self-respect. Allowing a submissive to sink into self-loathing isn’t just harmful to them; it’s a challenge to the dynamic itself and to the trust you’ve built together.
Why Self-Respect Matters in BDSM
Submissives who lack self-respect often find themselves in that position because of past experiences that crushed their confidence or taught them they weren’t good enough. Whether through toxic relationships, harsh criticism, or childhood trauma, these influences can deeply affect how someone views themselves. As a Dominant, you have two choices:
- Reinforce those negative beliefs by being overly critical and setting impossible standards. This might foster dependence but will erode their self-esteem further.
- Help them grow by teaching them independence, self-reliance, and how to wield their own inner strength.
The second option—the path of personal growth—is far more rewarding. A submissive who respects themselves will offer deeper, more meaningful submission. Their willingness to serve will come from a place of love, trust, and mutual respect, not fear or dependency.
Practical Steps for Encouraging Self-Respect in a Submissive
Here’s how to nurture self-respect in your submissive partner:
- Challenge Self-Deprecation:
- Do not allow them to speak poorly of themselves. If they do, address it firmly but kindly. Use statements that provoke reflection, such as:
- “Why do you think I’d waste my time with someone unworthy?”
- “Do you think I’m lying when I tell you you’re beautiful?”
- By framing their self-criticism as a slight against your judgment, you shift the focus and help them see their worth through your eyes.
- Do not allow them to speak poorly of themselves. If they do, address it firmly but kindly. Use statements that provoke reflection, such as:
- Set Achievable Goals:
- Start small. Avoid overwhelming them with a laundry list of rules or expectations. Begin with one or two guidelines that are realistic and gradually build from there. Success fosters confidence.
- Provide Positive Reinforcement:
- Celebrate their achievements, no matter how small. Whether they’ve followed a rule, met a goal, or simply stood up for themselves in a situation, acknowledge it.
- Create opportunities for them to feel valued and admired. Take them out to events where they can dress up and feel proud of their appearance. Compliment them—both privately and publicly.
- Address Failures Constructively:
- Mistakes happen. Use them as teachable moments rather than opportunities for punishment. Incorporate corrective actions into scenes in a way that aligns with your dynamic, keeping it playful and constructive rather than degrading.
- Shield Them From External Negativity:
- Protect your submissive from harmful opinions or remarks from others. If someone disrespects them in your presence, stand up for them unequivocally. Show them that they are worthy of respect and that you’ll always have their back.
The Role of Accountability
As a Dominant, you hold significant responsibility for the emotional and psychological well-being of your submissive. Their trust in you is a privilege, and maintaining that trust requires effort. If they’re struggling with self-esteem, it’s up to you to help guide them toward self-respect. This doesn’t mean you’re their therapist, but you are their leader, their protector, and their confidant.
When they falter—and they will—remain steadfast. Let them feel the consequences of their actions within the boundaries of your dynamic, but always circle back to encouragement and support. Help them see that failure is not the end but a step toward growth.
Final Thoughts
Respect in BDSM isn’t just about the Dominant’s control or the submissive’s obedience. It’s about mutual growth, trust, and love. By helping your submissive build self-respect, you deepen the connection between you and create a foundation for a more fulfilling and stable dynamic. After all, a submissive who believes in themselves will give you their submission not because they have to, but because they genuinely want to. And that makes all the difference.
