Once upon a time, the notorious hooligan Joseph Raskin was visited by a Muse. I’m not sure what they were up to, but after her departure, the writer, now in a blissful mood, serenely declared, “Very euphonious words: Monet, minuet… and so on.”
The Origins of Linguistic Creativity
Some young individuals, brimming with youthful bravado, tend to believe that non-traditional sex involving a movable muscular organ in the oral cavity is an innovation exclusive to their generation. Not at all! Surviving remnants from the era of prehistoric materialism—such as shards, tablets, and papyrus—indicate that our ancient ancestors heartily welcomed this activity long before the new era. The most fervent and progressive even erected gigantic phallic idols across the land, and it seems they worshipped them in a peculiar manner, earning them the title of “pagans.”
In a word, the clever populace has long recognized that language serves purposes beyond mere conversation. It is not only for discerning tastes or creating sounds for speech. This organ has organically melded into a company of “colleagues” skilled in providing pleasure to themselves and others, earning a respectable third place after, naturally, the genitals (where would we be without them!) and skilled hands.
It’s in vain that suspicious husbands donned intricate chastity belts on their wives as they set off on distant voyages. “You can’t cover a foreign mouth with a cloth,” the sharp-tongued medieval enthusiasts of oral sex humorously quipped.
Exclusively for Club Members
However, attitudes toward oral sex have varied widely among different societal layers, ranging from outright aversion to enthusiastic veneration. Do you recall the classic line? A certain gentleman comes home unexpectedly and sees his beloved kneeling before another man… Our protagonist, completely blindsided, is “stunned, paralyzed by the unnaturalness of the scene.” (It’s possible, however, that the mise-en-scène would have been displeasing to him even if he had found his partner reclining classically with an unknown suitor.)
In summary, oral sex has always existed. But if we are speaking different languages, and you resolutely reject your own as a sexual instrument, feel free to stop reading now.
Extracting the Melody
Perhaps both of you secretly wouldn’t mind engaging in oral sex (by the way, in Georgian, it sounds quite romantic—“playing the little pipe”). But you may be uncertain about how your partner would react. (“She might think I’m promiscuous or have done this with someone before.”)
Rest assured, every man, without exception, views this opportunity very positively. Moreover, they wholeheartedly embrace the idea. However, they are also hesitant to propose it. (“What if she thinks I believe she’s promiscuous…” etc.—see the previous paragraph.)
To reassure you of men’s preferences, I conducted a survey spanning a broad age range—from 23 to 52 years old. “Do you enjoy when your partner stimulates you with her tongue?” I asked point-blank. “Yes!” each responded without hesitation, gazing at me with enthusiasm. “This is just a survey!”—“Oh…” “And why do you like it?” I pressed the excited respondents. “It feels nice.” — “Is that all?!” — “Isn’t that enough?”
Indeed, what am I saying?! Feeling nice is the most important thing. Why do we even lie down with our dear ones in bed (or on the couch, or on the floor) if not for mutual enjoyment?
I also had a candid discussion with women. What, exactly, is their interest in engaging in “linguistic creativity”?
It turned out that most want to bring pleasure to their loved ones. Many do this during their period so that their partner, feeling neglected, doesn’t embark on a three-day hiking trip. Nineteen-year-old Yulia said she initiates oral caresses to excite herself and then transitions to traditional sex. Twenty-five-year-old Olga shared that she performs this “purely pleasurable act” when she’s tired, wants to sleep, and doesn’t wish for prolonged mutual foreplay. In general, each has their own reasons, but the essence remains the same…
The Technology of Pagan Love
Let’s assume your partner is free from complexes, names things as they are, and after some gentle embraces asks, “How do you feel about oral sex?” Let’s assume you are a normal, enlightened woman and don’t start deflecting: “Oh no, we can’t make noise here, the neighbors will hear.” Let’s assume you understand each other, but… don’t know where to begin.
Here’s a valuable practical tip: if you are confident in the physical capabilities of your “great and mighty” and are ready to “work” it for a while, boldly lay your partner down on a horizontal surface. If you want to get this done quickly, sit on a couch or chair in front of your standing partner.
The thing is, when a man is lying down, he relaxes and instinctively seeks to prolong his pleasure. However, if he is standing (truth be told), he can’t relax, so his orgasm will come more quickly. (But keep in mind: you’ll have nothing to lean your elbows on, and your arm may tire!)
So, he’s lying down. It’s most convenient to sit between his legs. Remove any chain from your neck; otherwise, you’ll find yourself “bound by one chain.” To begin, gently grip the penis with your teeth. (Roughly as a dervish holds a dagger while dancing the lezginka.) Tenderly nibble and travel the entire length. Then firmly grasp it at the base with your hand. You should hold the penis tightly, like a flagpole in the wind—don’t worry, it won’t hurt your partner!
Now imagine that you have ice cream melting in your hands and you need to lick it off quickly from all sides. Then begin more vigorous movements with your tongue: suck and literally draw it into yourself with your lips. You can press the penis against your cheek or the roof of your mouth, simulating its friction within a vagina. Your tongue will undoubtedly tire, but don’t fret: as they say, the eyes are afraid, but hands do the work. Leaving the tip of the phallus resting on a flat tongue, vigorously move your hand up and down. The faster you do this, the sooner the release will come.
No matter how long your partner delays his pleasure, don’t worry: your earnest efforts won’t be in vain; the fountain of passion will surely erupt! Over time, you’ll build up your muscles (just kidding), gain skill, your jaw won’t go numb from the strain, and the day will soon come when your happy partner will exclaim, “Darling, you’re quite the conversationalist too!”