A masochist is someone whose desires and needs were trampled on from a young age, leading them to lose a sense of self-worth. They struggle to engage with their own lives and instead seek out those to whom they can serve and submit. They postpone solving their problems or fail to see them altogether, focusing instead on the fates of others. Ignoring their own fatigue and pain feels more natural to them than showing self-care. Their ability to endure suffering and deprivation becomes a point of pride, a way to earn love. By dedicating themselves to serving others (like their children), they expect reciprocal devotion. When that devotion isn’t shown, they suffer, blaming those around them either openly or subtly.

THE HABIT OF ENDURING AND SUFFERING

Once, a child came into this world wanting to be seen, recognized, and accepted, hoping to express their will and desires. If that child enters a family where the parents (or one of them) aren’t prepared to raise a living being with their own preferences, motives, feelings, and desires, they might do everything to suppress any signs of “life” in the child. Not to kill them, of course, but to eradicate their desires, expressions, and will. The child becomes minimally alive, maximally controlled, functional, demanding nothing, wanting nothing, doing what they’re told, opposing nothing, lacking an opinion or sense of self-worth.

To gain love and recognition, the masochist unconsciously chooses to endure and suffer, for this is what their parents taught them: “Your expressions of life (hunger, desires, whims, feelings) are inconvenient to us. When you learn to live for others (primarily for us) instead of wanting something for yourself, then come to us, and we will love you.” Without love or even the hope of love, no child can thrive, so they have no choice but to adapt first to the parent and then to the world around them through selfless service to others and renunciation of themselves.

As deprivation and suffering become valued, the masochist believes that everyone around them should live by these values. Only those who also endure or suffer will be recognized by them. To everyone else who has the audacity to care for their own needs and interests, the masochist feels either disdain or aggression, though these feelings may not be expressed openly.

FORMS OF MANIPULATION

A typical masochist often appears to be the sweetest or most gentle person. They do not express anger directly, do not ask, do not demand, do not openly complain, and do not make claims. Therefore, you may never know what is wrong: what they are suffering from, what has hurt them, what they are missing. They will endure. You should have “guessed,” and if you didn’t, that’s a failing on your part. The discomfort that accumulates within them goes unexpressed, ultimately transforming into aggression. However, as children, any aggression was either strictly forbidden (“How dare you yell at your mother?!”) or dangerous—an aggressive parent could see any form of aggression as disobedience and could react violently until all reactions except submission were extinguished. Moreover, direct aggression disrupts their goal—to rise above their tormentors. The horrors and torments inflicted by external sadists hinder them from acknowledging the sadist within themselves—it’s too terrifying. Thus, the “tormentor” hides and disguises itself.

As a result, aggression shifts from direct forms to indirect, manipulative, and essentially sadistic forms. In this diversity of expressions, the masochist is unparalleled.

• Passive Accusation: Since they devote themselves to serving others (like their children), they expect reciprocal service. Essentially, they hope that others’ lives will compensate for the life they have “spent” on them. When they don’t see signs of such service or deem it insufficient, they feel hurt, suffering while openly or subtly blaming those around them. The endless, often inexpressible guilt—this is what their loved ones are forced to navigate. Making everyone else guilty for simply living and wanting something—or actively not wanting something—this is the passive-aggressive response, often not even related to current family dynamics but rather a reaction to their unfortunate past.
• Passive Expectation: Because a masochist is trained to understand, anticipate, and fulfill the desires of others, they subconsciously expect the same in return as proof of love and goodwill. “Do I really have to ask?”—the masochist often wonders, convinced that a direct request is an outrageous audacity that will result in punishment or rejection. However, when others have the audacity to want something and openly state it, it stirs a storm of feelings within the masochist: envy, anger, and the desire to punish or condemn. They want to do to others what was done to them.
• Passive Punishment: If you do not sufficiently set aside your life for the masochist, if you have the audacity to want something that they don’t want, you will be punished… but in a way that you won’t immediately understand, though you will feel discomfort, pain, and suffering in abundance. The methods of passive punishment vary: they may stop speaking to you, act coldly, live beside you for weeks with an expression of undeserved suffering, leave you, deprive you of something important (warmth, contact, attention, participation), and show in every way that your presence is the cause of their declining mood or health.
• Passive Deprivation: A masochist will never directly say, “I need help.” They won’t ask, “Can I help you with anything?” They will do everything themselves, even when their involvement isn’t needed or is even counterproductive. They will do everything, even things nobody asked for, and will surely say, “Don’t you see how hard this is for me?” or drop phrases like, “I barely managed to carry these heavy bags!” or “Of course, will anyone even think to help?” They won’t give you a chance to show care and love for them, then will sulk about what they didn’t receive. They will deprive you of the opportunity to see them happy, healthy, and joyful. With them, you won’t feel like a caring, involved, “good” person.
• Passive Self-Destruction: If the masochist has no opportunities to blame or punish, all the rage that inevitably arises in anyone over not living as they wanted, not allowing themselves what is truly important, all that rage turns inward, leading to self-destruction. There are many ways to engage in self-destructive behavior; masochists will choose the one that aligns with their model—they will suffer. This might involve acquiring a serious, even terminal illness, regularly finding themselves in trouble or accidents, or drowning themselves in alcohol and other dependencies. The earliest form of auto-aggression—complete self-destruction and self-punishment—can lead to an early death.
• Undeclared Exit from Relationships: The combination of even a masochist’s limited patience and their inability to assert their own desires, articulate what they dislike, confront, defend their needs, discuss, and reach agreements leads them to eventually exit relationships abruptly—without explanations and without allowing the other party to understand what has happened, what was wrong, or what could be adjusted in their behavior or attitude. Often, underlying this is the anger over unfulfilled expectations that the other person would reciprocate the “good” they dedicated themselves to, which the masochist once provided.

PROVOKING OTHER PEOPLE’S AGGRESSION

A masochist (often a woman) raised by a sadistic parent unconsciously (or consciously) seeks to recreate this model in any close relationships. Thus, they either choose men prone to sadistic behavior or evoke the sadistic side in their partner. Their sacrificial position provokes aggression in those nearby because they:

• Do not express their aggression directly; instead, they release it in the form of dissatisfaction, silent grievances, underlying tension, ignoring, or quiet suffering with reproach.
• Reject help and care, dismissing warm feelings and expressions of concern from those around them.
• Always seem to know better what is good for others.
• Need to reproduce their childhood model of suffering and deprivation, so suggestions to “fix things,” ease their lives, or change anything meet with “yes, but…”—they will always have arguments in favor of their continued suffering, claiming there is no other way.
• Cannot say “no” or “stop,” and therefore allow those around them to trample their boundaries, disregard their human dignity, and exploit their desire to serve.

REJECTION OF SELF AND SERVING OTHERS

Being indispensable, needed, and serving with complete dedication—this is the only guarantee that love and care will somehow seep through along with a sense of unconditional “goodness,” if not “holiness.” The tragedy of the masochist is the loss of desire and will. An unfulfilled life. The only permissible pleasure is the extent of suffering they endure. The primary illusions of a masochist are that they are non-aggressive and wish no harm to anyone, even though their manipulative anger is often more damaging than openly expressed rage. They believe that since they serve others, not themselves, they are good and needed and will never be abandoned. They think that even if they live in need and deprivation now, they will somehow become rich in the future. They believe that one day someone will come and restore justice, just like in Russian fairy tales: the evil and greedy will face retribution, and the generous and impoverished will be rewarded. Illusions in a masochist die last. They are far more resilient than the masochists themselves, for in myths and tales, the illusions of reward for suffering live on for centuries.